Excerpt #1

Face

BY PAMI OZAKI

Preface

Preface to “Atomic Light,” by Phoenix Nitta 1990

I am the Alpha and the Omega

In the beginning, is the end….

In that unearthly flash of light entering the portals of my mother’s pupils, her cornea transmitting light rays onto her retina, reflecting what it could have never detected in that other world, billions of years old, before Oppenheimer discovered the formula to atomic fission by splitting the nuclei of uranium; from that flash of light my mother’s optic nerve transfers visual information from her retina back to that part of her brain that deciphers images, encoding it into memory, just as a radiograph exposes what’s beneath the layers of our skin, so my mother’s eyes uncover me inside her womb, and like the lens of a camera capturing exactly what we see before us, within its frame, freezing an image in time and reproducing it onto film, she records me looking up at her, beholding her, seeing her perfect face for the very first, and last time, as we travel through the world in between creation and destruction.

Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.

James Baldwin

Then God said, “Let there be light,”

and there was light. And God saw that

the light was good. Then he separated

the light from the darkness.

LIGHT

It was the light that came first, before the explosion of sound, before the darkness,  so incandescent was the flash of light that it darkened all other light around itself, siphoned the sun right out of the sky, and with its own star-heat destroyed everything below it, so intense metal melted, humans and animals vaporized, water and blood boiled, then evaporated, those that didn’t disappear instantly turned to coal or worse survived without a layering of skin to hold their flesh. 

Then came a torrential wind, so powerful it flattened everything in its path, demolishing buildings, bridges, trains, windows shattered, trees came right out of the ground, houses and roof tiles flew into the air.  It picked me up and sent me  somersaulting backward, scorching my hair, flaying my face; and as I free fell in space, I saw the most minute details around me, each second an eternity ticking past me; tide after tide peeled people’s skin from their bodies.

I saw others flying past as the skin of their arms came loose like long gloves being ripped off, a man still sitting on his bicycle, but without clothes, peddling forward in midair as he traveled backward. I saw his eyeballs come loose from their sockets and stretch out in front of his face, while on the ground below an old woman tried to push the rope of her intestines back into the wound of her belly.

When I landed flat on the ground, a ridge of heat like a train of steamrollers rolled across my back, pressing me down until I felt I was traveling into the dark earth itself, and I let myself sink through the soil past the roots of once living plants, past the yams grown rich in golden color, their sugar weeping through their baked skin, and deeper still I went, past the largest, deepest taproot of the massive Kusu tree and I saw the enormous root trembling, fracturing the earth around itself so that great crevices appeared, creating caverns underground, and I descended further into a place so deep that nothing penetrated it, not even sound.  All sound disappeared and in that profound silence, I recalled that the cicadas had been chirping loudly, incessantly, all day long, until the light appeared, that made all worldly light seem inconsequential; and all the cicadas stopped chirping in unison, as if a conductor’s wand went up into the air and there it froze mid measure, and all the musicians in the world stopped playing. 

And then came the sound, a crescendo of such magnitude, it shattered the entire sky above, and everything went black.

SOUND

It was the blast that brought the darkness back, so thick was the smoke that rose from the city of Hiroshima on fire, the lost souls of humans severed instantly from vaporized bodies, along those released from thousands of carbonized corpses that remained on earth, old men, women, children, infants, and the unborn waiting; their ashes swirling upwards with the dust; it blocked out all that was left of God’s good light, and only the buildings and bodies on fire lit the rubble that was once a city.

CLOUD

An immense cloud coated in many colors rose above me like a gigantic mushroom, and I began to rise with it. It was so beautiful. Light rays shimmered like gems, amber, emerald, amethyst, ruby, jasper, and gold.

I was floating, flying above the city of Hiroshima, but there was no city anymore, all was destroyed, razed to the ground, only grid lines were present where streets once were, and inside each grey square, only rubble.  In the outskirts, vast stretches of flaxen land lay scorched bare, dotted with skinned horses, cows, and dogs, and near Miyajima, fallen deer with their hides stripped away lay salmon colored in open fields.

Near the center, I saw the Industrial Building, only a shell, the iron skeleton of its dome twisted. Where had all the people gone?  Why was there so much coal scattered everywhere in the city?  Then I realized the lumps were corpses.  Until I saw some of them move.

Hundreds of blackened children lay on playgrounds next to demolished school buildings, babies burnt to carbon, mothers holding dark lumps in their arms.  The wounded began forming lines, like lines of black ants, with their antennas quivering, only they were human arms, outstretched in front of them as they walked, one in front of the other; the walking dead.

 

Born aloft, souls rose in chariots of dark smoke, ash-laden wheels whipped by the wind spun towards the heavens, still bearing the stench of their burning flesh which they had forsaken.

 I ascended alongside the thousands.

Inside the cloud I could see a dark angel smiling at me, pulling me towards him, his glowing hand outstretched.  But I didn’t want to go into the cloud, where colors were unfurling, expanding, exploding, forming white hot stars, and in the center of that cloud I saw a long tunnel of black rain mixed with pieces of tin, burnt lumber, debris, and human bones, being hurled back down to earth, and I pulled away from the angels grasp. Then I too began falling.

Below me, I saw a body on the ground under the arc of a thick bough that had broken from a Kusu tree.  I was falling toward it.  As I descended, I realized it was my body. As I came closer, close enough to look at myself, I could see my entire body in minute detail, my torn clothes, the lower half of me naked, from my belly down I was naked, but my belly was intact and round with child, I saw my legs, my feet, my toes, my two arms, one soaked in blood, my hands, my fingers, even my fingernails, what hair I had left on my head, but I couldn’t see my face, I couldn’t find it. The explosion had wiped off my face.

LITERATURE OF RESTORATION AND "FACE"

 

We all tell stories for a reason, and that reason is always projected into a future. There is no story, anywhere, in the written or spoken word that doesn’t have the future in mind. 

The teller wants the listener to hear the story, to be able to hold it, and then pass it on. Why? Because of its capability to transform. A real story carries within itself the keys to transformation. It’s like giving someone the keys to the future. It in itself sustains. But it must be passed on to open new doorways to existing.

When I began hearing the stories of the hibakusha, who were very reluctant to tell their stories at first but have, over the years begun to speak out because the story they lived through, the story they survived, is the story of the end of the world. Their message is clear. This must never happen again.

(Hibakusha – The surviving victims of the A-bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki by the United States)

PAMI OZAKI

/ Author

BIO

Pami Ozaki is an artist and writer. She graduated from Northwestern University with a major in English Literature and went on the get her MFA in creative writing at Goddard College. She runs her own landscaping business and has designed and installed well over 200 gardens in the past 30 years in Los Angeles and neighboring vicinities. She specializes in the design and installation of large estate outdoor living spaces.

She is currently working on a novel about Hiroshima, Japan.